5 Of The Weirdest Kids Masks You Can Buy Online
There’s going to be a lot of unlearning to do once this pandemic is finally behind us. We’ll have to teach our kids to hug again. That it’s okay to play on the playground with other kids. And that, while washing your hands is almost always a good thing, the amount we’re doing it now used to be the territory of poorly written prime time crime drama neurotics.
But there’s at least one positive thing to come out of this entire mess. Hilarious (and often utterly insane) pandemic masks for kids. Strap in as these pediatric ppe peddlers put the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentally mismanaged global catastrophe’
This Mask Is Useless
I was surprised to learn that this mask is a cotton/polyester blend and not the layered tinfoil I was expecting. Teach your kids the value of getting your news from a disheveled idiot in a basement on youtube with this fashionable projection of your own willful ignorance. Sudden sneeze? No worries, it’ll be caught and captured by this fabric manifestation of your own stupidity. Tell the world that you’re passing along your poorly researched beliefs to the next generation and please, please stay at least 2 metres away from me and my family (even after this pandemic is over).
Grumpy Cat Mask
Listen, it’s a really nice mask, Grandma. No, I have sore ears so I can’t put it on right this second. I will! I’ll wear it to the post office, I already said I would! Okay. Okay. Okay, I said I like it. I know, it’s the cat from the computer. No, I don’t know if he’s still alive. Well, I told you not to shovel the stairs. Just call me next time. Yes, the mask, I know. I’ll wear it, I promise.
Luv you, gram gram.
Beard 1 Face Mask
Okay, this one is absolute gold. I’ve already ordered one for my 3-year-old daughter and I’ll be camping out next to my mail slot until it arrives. The only thing funnier than this mask is the fact that when I showed it to my daughter online she didn’t think it was funny at all. A 3-year-old in a joke beard mask that doesn’t get the joke is the height of covid comedy so far. Also, the fact that it’s called Beard 1 Face Mask has me with giddy with anticipation at the prospect of Beards 2 through infinity.
Pikachu Exploding Out of (or backing into) Your Mouth
Try to stay focused on the pikachu mask here. I know, I know, you’ve got questions about the Trump mouth at the bottom. You’re wondering who is buying the ice and fire wolf faceoff mask. You’re asking yourself who is buying their small child a Hannibal Lecter mask. Those are all legitimate concerns, but we have to talk about Pikachu.
So unlike the Jason mask, skeleton mask, or Joker mask, which all make use of your existing eyes to complete the face, Pikachu’s entire face is printed on his mask. This paints a tragic picture of a virus ravaged Pokemon land where people are forced to sustain themselves on their once helpful battle companions. And just look at that brave little smile. That is one electric anime mouse who isn’t afraid to do his part.
Luv you, gram gram.
Anonymous
Move over winter camo patterned shorts, there’s a new contradictory clothing article in town.
Is your child a computer whiz with a vendetta against a corrupt government and an easily recognizable lower half of their face? You can rest easy knowing that they can now revolt in partial anonymity. Keep your little rebel-from-the-nose-down safe, sound, and semi-subversive. Can I suggest a t-shirt that says Zero Fawkes Given to really tie it all together?
Whatever is printed on the front, it’s what’s behind it that matters. Keep your kids and your communities safe, and mask up.
