5 Necessary Items to Enhance Your Pokémon Go Renaissance Experience
Remember 2016? It occured roughly 700 years ago. Before Covid. Before Trump. Before I moved to the suburbs and started saying “Back Atcha!” to friendly neighbours wishing me a good morning.
In 2016 there was Pokémon Go.
Equal parts remarkable, stupid, nostalgic, and dangerous, it had entire cities wandering into traffic in order to be crowned Pokémon Masters.
And. I. Loved. It.
I played it when my son was just a year old. We chased Pidgeys through parking lots. Bulbasaurs behind baseball diamonds. Squirtles along sidewalks. Charmanders…you get the idea.
Then. All of a sudden. It just got so, so boring. I stopped playing and hadn’t thought about it since.
Now my son is five and loves Pokémon. Now Pokémon Go is once again feasting on my phone battery and coaxing me into church parking lots with promises of rare AR finds.
With so many restrictions surrounding what we can and can’t do because of Covid, it’s become a way for us to venture out and explore. However, before you get back to trying to be the very best, you gotta get set. You aren’t in your 20s anymore, probably.
5. You Think Ash Ketchum Wore Flip Flops?
Get your footwear in order. This isn’t Pallet Town. These are the mean streets. And there are Pokémon everywhere. You need sneakers but not like cool sneakers. Practical, sensible, no nonsense sneakers. You’re not running for head cool guy of the cool guy crew (that’s a thing), you’re running to catch the Dewgong currently camping out next to some guy’s bronze commemorative plaque. And Dewgong waits for no one. Lace up and keep that cardio game strong.
4. You're a Water Type Now
Before I turned 30 water was just what you ordered if you accidentally ended up in a bar where every drink was more than six bucks. Turns out you’re supposed to drink it every single day. Especially if you’re chasing Pokémon. Take a break. Have a drink (of water, from a neat water bottle). Don’t faint (unlike your lame Vulpix. Boom.). And that brings us to…
3. Trash Talk, Baby
Oh, I’m sorry. They told me I’d be facing a Pokémon trainer, not a Snorlax in dad slacks.
This is the kind of stuff you may be facing out there if you’re unlucky enough to meet super clever rival trainers with amazing trash talk skills. You have to steel yourself and learn to dish it out.
Here are a few easy rules:
1. Keep it clean. Here are some great Pokémon names to scream in frustration in place of f-bombs:
2. Get cool shades. Not only will they protect you from the sun, but they’ll protect you from ridicule in case you get your feelings hurt.
3. Eye on the (poke)ball. You’re here to catch em all, not trade japes with Caterpie farmers. Walk away if it gets too real.
2. Catch Em & Cook Em All
At some point in time I have to imagine that someone made a pancake that vaguely resembled a pikachu outline and thought “Eureka!” From this clear turning point in human history, The Pokémon Cookbook was born.
Choose your favourite adorable power creature, shape them out of cake, then devour them in front of rival trainers for an immediate intimidation bonus. If you’re willing to macerate an effigy of your favourite Pokémon, just think of what you’ll do to theirs! Strike fear and avoid a dreaded sugar crash by packing your Pokémon backpack with cake.
1. Cut All of Your Credit Cards Into Tiny Pieces (After You Buy This)
Okay, it’s 4am. The battery inducator on your phone pleads with you to close Pokémon Go. Your kids have been asleep for hours at this point. Any lingering illusion that this was something you were doing for them fades against the first suggestion of dawn creeping in through the kitchen window. Suddenly, the last Scyther you need in order to evolve appears, hovering over last night’s dishes still on the table. The familiar rush of excitement is stopped as quickly as it came when the realization washes over you: you are out of poke balls.
Reluctantly clicking on the SHOP icon you promise yourself this is the last time. You go big. Enough to get you through. One last fix.
So, yeah. Cut up your cards but FIRST buy this awesome Pokémon Go Plus bracelet! It’s so cool.